Our Argument Breakthrough 1/2 1 November 2022
Ruth and I were recovering from an argument. I was thinking about what had happened and the penny dropped when someone described our marriage relationship perfectly as a dance.
I realised we were in what attachment theorists call an “anxious-avoidant dance”. Ruth stepping forwards to meet her needs and me stepping back to meet my needs in a perpetually unhappy marriage dance.
After 20 years of marriage (yes 20) I realised our spiralling arguments were because of my attachment style being the opposite to Ruth's.
If there were any topic that shows the difference between “left brain” knowledge and “right brain” understanding in my life, it is attachment theory. I'd read about it in my university course when I was 18; when studying for a masters degree in counselling; but it took decades for me to see our marriage in the theory.
That insight was priceless.
I realised Ruth would physically and emotionally step forward because that is how she was wired. I would then step back physically and emotionally because I felt overwhelmed. This would create a "relational dance" with Ruth stepping forwards and me backwards in a perfectly timed, deeply mystifying and frustrating choreography. We could turn any conversation into an argument just by following this sequence.
Understanding attachment needs and styles brought a breakthrough in our marriage and parenting and helped our other relationships. It can bring breakthrough for you too.
Over the next few blogs I will look at this area which is worth time and energy.
